I go bed now

Today was a pretty slow day so there's only one blog about the update and this one telling you that I go bed now. Huzzah!

I am the king of CSS

Well, in my head I am. I made a minor change to the template that gives all of Stoney's posts a pink title and mine a blue one, so you know which ones will be funny (blue) and which ones will be messed up and uncomprehensible (pink). We're working on getting Stoney an Audiomatch.net image but her computer crashes every time she moves her mouse more than one pixel. Stay tuned.

Your gay and so is you're mom

I swear if I have to correct one more person on the proper usage of "you're" and "your" I'm going to do absolutely nothing about it but whine and bitch on this page. Don't push me.

Fook You

Waking up in my house is no thrill either. After going to bed at 2 am, the first thing you hear is my dad destroying the house about three hours later. Then at 6:15 my alarm goes off and I slam that Snooze button bitch. Normally, these 10 minutes of silence are vital for a good start to any day. This explains why I rarely have a good day. If you were to sleep at my house, in these 9 minutes of “peace” you would hear muffled yelling from the living room, the more you try to rest, the louder it gets. Ignoring this monster just makes it angrier; eventually it’ll even get enraged enough to actually get out of bed to harass you in yours. She’ll come charging into the room, and swing the door open hard enough to kill a weak man. When you open your eyes the lights are already on and the monster will be yelling in an uncivilized manner “DON’T BE LATE GET TO SCHOOL ARG!! ERR!!”. All you can do is pray she doesn’t rip the wall down and keep trying to sleep. When she sees you ignoring her , she’ll go back to bed until the snooze alarm goes off. Repeat this procedure about twenty times. When she comes so far as to ripping your blanket off, threaten to punch her head off . This will usually stun it for about 45 seconds while it tries to figure out if you're serious or not. This is a good chance for you to run to the shower. Don’t forget to slam the door; it makes the veins bulge in her forehead. If you spend any more than 10 minutes in the shower, expect to hear the door being attacked with a jack hammer and about 30 rhinos.
On your way out the door, it will usually say something “encouraging” like have a good day. This is your opportunity to get partial revenge by telling her to burn in hell . This will ruin about ¾ of her day.

I Only Want One Thing

Bangbangbang!

Single White Male seeks Rich Human

I want to move out of my house, and I want to move out right fucking now. If someone would like to be my roommate as I can't make rent by myself drop me a line at the usual place. I don't eat much and I keep to myself most of the time. You might have heard some stories about me, but I swear they aren't true. Besides, it was consensual.

In case you haven't noticed, Steam sucks a large amount of donkey testicles.

Matricidal Tendencies

Warning: Long rant post containing small amounts of "the funny".

I'm starting to think the only reason I hate going to school is because I have to hear my mom wake me up for it. If I lived on my own or possibly with some kind of robot maid to wake me up I would probably jump out of bed every day happy to learn something new and expand my intellect or whatever they tell you school does. You're probably thinking I'm exaggerating. Let me explain how my mom goes about waking me up.
6:30am every day. She opens the door to my room which in itself is loud enough to just wake me up. The following sentence is the one main dreaded point if my morning: "Jake wake up- HELLO!?!?". Everything starts off normal... a nice friendly message telling me to get up. Followed immediately by screaming "HELLLOOOO!?!??!??" as if a) I didn't hear her in the first place b) I need to respond right away c) I've been ignoring her for twenty minutes already. I should mention that the "hello" is said at volume levels which are about equal to a 747 jet flying directly into one ear, through your brain and out the other.
Total time elapsed: 3 seconds. As soon as I turn my head to investigate the source of stupidity, I'm blinded as she turns the lights on in sync with my eyes opening. Every morning I scream at her not to do that and wake me up in a more comfortable and polite manner, such as dropping an anvil on my head or setting my blanket on fire. She takes my blanket off me and throws it on the floor forcing me to seek out other sources of heat. I stumble blindly and hazily to the shower where she will proceed to yell at me through a closed door that she has to get in there and brush her teeth. Not once has she ever brushed her teeth before waking me up, even though she is practically late every single day because of this.

Anyone willing to trade moms can reach me at 1-800-4-GAY-MOM and leaving a brief message listing your name, age and why in the hell you would want to do this to yourself.

The Internet > The English Language

There you have it folks. In a stunning battle, the Internet has emerged victorious over the English language.
Want proof? Yahoo! Chat. TeenChat. MSN Chat. MSN Messenger. I dare you to talk to at least three people on any one of these services and have all of them use proper English. It's just not possible. Now some of you may be saying "wut r u talking abt? lol" or "u'r crazy!!1". If that's the case, then please jump off a cliff into a vat of acid that has spikes on the bottom which are on fire and also possibly sharp. When people first start using the internet, they should undergo weekly sessions with a doctor to ensure they don't start using abbreviations every second word. Some people say it's to save time, but how much time can be saved from cutting out one or two letters and replacing them with a NUMBER or something even further away from the original keys? Good thing you're saving time while I have to bust out my handy-dandy "Idiot Redneck to English" translator everytime your MSN window flashes. Idiots.

When asked about his victory, the internet was quoted as saying "fuk u, fgt".

Clam chowder? More like MYSTERY GOOP!

Think about it. Clam chowder (basically any chowder, I guess) is a mystery. People never ask what's in it, but when you get it you can't really tell because everything is covered by the thick white sauce (I assume this makes up the "chowder"). There could be hunks of plastic or phlegm or anthrax for all you know, and everything would taste the same due to the sauce. I asked a few people on MSN to see what they thought was in clam chowder. Observe.

streak [ pert ] says:
what's in clam chowder?
sans everything - allchris.blogspot.com says:
clams?
streak [ pert ] says:
hmm

streak [ pert ] says:
what's in clam chowder?
.loves printer for not dying on me. says:
lobster, clam, and other fishes

streak [ pert ] says:
what's in clam chowder?
kayyyla says:
clams

As you can see, three out of three people all thought (nay, ASSUMED) clam chowder contained clams. Therefore with some extrapolating we can say that 100% of the Earth's population would eat clam chowder assuming it was actually clams, potatoes and whatever Campbell says they put in there. I suspect that every bowl of chowder is a potential biological weapon manufactured primarily for high-risk guerilla warfare against your stomach. We might not be able to save everyone from this deadly game of Russian roulette, but for your sake, next time someone serves you clam chowder, ask "WHAT'S IN THIS?" and make a huge scene. Your kids will thank me later.

Hooray, I Done Learned HTML!

I changed the site's template to use blue which I find is easier on the eyes. I was thinking about having a black background but I decided against it. Also, directly under the main title, you can check out which song I'm currently listening to in WinAmp. By the way, this page looks best in 1024*768 or higher, as lower resolutions don't like that hilarious comic I put down there.

80 Sticks of Butter

Ugh. My head feels like a chainsaw is ripping through sheet metal right next to me 24/7. Luckily I get to take tons of Tylenol and sleep it off in this big, warm, soft, inviting, small, hard, lumpy bed of mine. I almost jumped out of bed and murdered my brother because while he was leaving he decided to make more noise than Hiroshima and Nagasaki (just about as much damage to the house, too) because he couldn't find his belt. Fortunately for him he was more than two metres away which saved his life.
It may be boring around here but at least fat people are still around to entertain me.

BLAH

If you're not already laughing I suggest you get your ass over there right now.

Pool parties in the winter!?

There are some things in life that are so sad you just can't bring yourself to laugh at them, or else your friends will think you're a really big asshole. Like those commercials of the really poor slums in Bosnia and Turkey and whatnot of those poor starving kids, or the footage of people jumping out windows on September 11th.
And then there's THIS.

Just add stupid.

So there's this annoying, boring girl that keeps talking to my friend Stoney on MSN so one day we decided to invite her to a Pizza Soccer tournament. Anyone wishing to contact this Liane girl can do so at watermelon_1987@hotmail.com and don't forget to mention Pizza Soccer hosted by Mix96. Just, if she asks, me or Jess never put you up to this.

PRINT "Useless"

Writing this from computer class here. Talk about your repetitive work that adds up to NOTHING since nobody in this universe uses QuickBasic for anything anymore. I hope this computer explodes so I can stop working.

Leonardo is a pussy.

Alright, there seems to be a lot of confusion lately, so I'm gonna tell you which ninja turtle was the best once and for all.
Donatello.
First off he's fucking SMART which is a lot more than you can say about the other dumbfucks in his team. While they were off partying and wasting their time doing whatever he was building stuff that could fucking kick Shredder's ASS.
He also kicks a ton of Foot Clan ass with that long stick (commonly called a Bo) while Leonardo has two swords and he never CUTS anyone. What the fuck? Use your goddamn sword properly, you stupid wuss. Donatello has a piece of wood but he could still probably whoop Leo or possibly shoot him with a pizza-powered catapult or some shit. I'm tired of him getting a bad rap just because he's the PURPLE one. "HA HA PURPLE IS THE GAY COLOR!" You wouldn't be saying that shit if good ol' Don kicked your ass all over the street like the badass that he is.
On a second note, Mikey is awesome because of his weapon and Raphael I always liked in the videogames (I just chose him because he was red). Leonardo always got hogged by someone else, but you know what? I didn't CARE because Leo is an overrated piece of crap there I said it.


Oh and last night I was thinking about the forest fires in the US and I was wondering (hoping maybe) if it was possible for the entire country to burn down.

Babies: The Other White Meat!

So anyway I was at the mall laughing at babies the other day with my friend Stoney. It was evil, but fun.
Don't you fucking look at me that way.